Nearly 6 months since the unprecedented escalation began in Gaza, an Islamic Relief aid worker* struggles with loss and fear but retains a hope for peace that cannot be extinguished.
It has been almost 6 whole months of this war and there is no end to it. I look back on these past months and see how our lives have been taken away from us.
It is a plain truth that the systematic targeting of all civilian buildings, hospitals, schools, mosques and homes is a way to take life away from Gaza. It is an attempt to annihilate the core existence of the Palestinian people.
I have lost my house, a place of many fond memories. I can’t forget my moments in that house. I still remember the birth of my 2 kids, their first steps, the first time they said ‘dad’, and the last time we were there. When we got the order to evacuate, we said goodbye to our home and promised the walls we would return. We did not.
Now, I just want my home, to sleep in my destroyed bed near the fallen walls and shattered windows. I want to remove dust from my books, to water the plants, to find my kids’ school bags, and their last drawings.
I never thought I would have these feelings about a building or that I would be longing just to see my city. The city became our beloved. No-one in the world understands Palestinians’ attachment to our homes. We invest every single breath in establishing our homes. We create many happy moments in our homes: celebrating birthdays, graduations, and weddings. And now, we have been deprived these moments. Now, we have lost our lives.
Gaza became a living hell
They took our lives, our routines, and our livelihoods; and we had to flee to the south of the Gaza Strip. We lived 6 months of hell, in agony and despair, waiting and hoping this war would end. We could not secure food, or water, thanks to Israel’s blockade.
Thousands of families stayed in tents they just set up in the street. It was a forced eviction of around a million people. We were all driven into the unknown. Just aiming to take one more step, with no way to plan the next. People moved to the south in search of safety, but we had to endure non-stop bombing and airstrikes.
As I write, I hear bombing.
The so-called safe designated humanitarian area was not safe at all. Tens of thousands of displaced families, who just barely settled, had to flee again and again and again. And the killing never stopped. Now, the number of Palestinians killed stands at over 33,000. I feel embarrassed writing that devastating number without being able to tell the story of every single person that died. They were humans who might have awoken from sleep, had their breakfast, finished their prayers, or just walked in the street and got killed. They are gone. At least they can rest, no longer enduring the miserable life that we survivors face.
The last 6 months of displacement have been a rollercoaster of human emotions. Sometimes, I thought that we would not live to see another morning, sometimes, I thought it will end soon. Sometimes, I thought I must leave Gaza and save my family. Some days I just hugged my children in fear of losing them without a chance to say I loved them. Sometimes, I found tears in my eyes remembering our past life.
When will Palestinians’ suffering be enough?
For 6 months, many around the world have called for a ceasefire, but the killing has never stopped. When the first mass killing in Gaza Baptist Hospital happened, I thought the world would not allow more atrocities to be carried out. Then came the attack on Al Shifa hospital, and I thought that is surely enough suffering for them. The destruction of Al Amal Hospital. The killing of a 5-year-old, Hind, who died with her family in their car, the killing of news reporters and media workers, of foreign and Palestinian aid workers, of medics and so many other innocent people.
As the litany of horror and sorrow lengthened, I thought, surely the world will stop this. But no, it would not stop. While the world pampered the perpetrators, put them above the law, and failed to make them accountable, more atrocities would happen.
We had hope when the International Court of Justice (ICJ) ruled for measures to ease our suffering. We had hope when the Security Council voted for a ceasefire. We had hope when we thought parties would agree a ceasefire. But the killing and destruction has never stopped.
Every moment that passes without an end to this madness consumes our flesh and blood. Our pain is beyond imagination. Our suffering is beyond catastrophic and the killing never stops. I feel that the world sees Palestinians as people who have little value – but that could not be further from the truth: We are creators of life. We are creators of culture, intellect, heritage, hope and coexistence. We will thrive, one day, eventually.
We hope and pray for a tomorrow without war
We look forward to a tomorrow without war. We aspire to start rebuilding just as soon as we can take a breath, the moment Israel stops killing us. We know Gaza is totally damaged and not at all suitable for life, but we do not mind. We just want to kick start the process to rebuild. Gaza’s official mascot is the phoenix because the city always rises from ashes. I have lived through various conflicts, but I have never seen Gaza as damaged – so when it rises, it will be glorious.
Looking ahead, it is hard to fathom how to live amid all this destruction. I do not think anyone would choose such a place to raise their children, who see their schools, streets, playing places, and all their belongings destroyed. How will they grow absorbing all these images into their brains? What characters will they develop? What about their education, learning sports, music, attending the school play, learning to dance Dabkka, learning to swim? They do not have a chance now.
That is why we need your help. Now more than ever. We aspire, insha’Allah, after this war ends, to restart our life as fast as possible. We look to save anything that can be saved. We need you to see how we survived. To tell our story. To help us create a better place because we are tired of wars – we hope no more wars take place anywhere in the world, let’s all live in peace and create a better world for everyone.
Please help Islamic Relief support people in desperate need in Gaza: Donate to our Palestine Emergency Appeal now.
*This blog is anonymised to protect the safety and security of our colleague and others mentioned. Read the other blogs in this series here.
Editor’s note: This blog was submitted amid a fast-changing and deepening crisis. The information was correct as of Thursday 4 April 2024.
